How many times have you stared at a spreadsheet in frustration over having to report efficiency, productivity, or, indeed, revenue KPIs? How many times have you been asked to fix metrics to match an upbeat, overly optimistic, or downright unjustified narrative? Ultimately, how keen are you to demonstrate initiative, commitment, and a can-do attitude to your metrics-obsessed management?

Fret no more! Here are five KPIs you can deploy today for a brighter tomorrow:

PPR: PowerPoint-to-Productivity Ratio

This metric measures the number of hours spent creating elaborate PowerPoint presentations versus actual work done to improve the product. 

Formula:
PPR = (Total hours spent on presentations) / (Actual product improvements delivered)

A high PPR indicates a team that excels in looking productive while doing very little. A perfect score of 1 indicates the miraculous alignment of deck-polishing and real-world impact. Teams with strong PPRs are often experts in managing up, that is, managing their relationship with the bosses. Take this one step further: with zero product improvements delivered, your PPR will soar to infinity and beyond!

FCV: Feature Creep Velocity

Formula:  
FCV = (Number of unnecessary features added per sprint) / (Number of customer requests for those features)

The FCV tracks the team’s ability to rapidly bloat the product with features nobody asked for. High FCV teams are masters of turning a simple, elegant product into a Swiss Army knife that only the dev team knows how to use. Great for impressing investors with a sheer volume of features while overwhelming actual users.

CET: Customer Excuse Time

Formula:  
CET = (Total minutes spent explaining outages or bugs to customers) / (Total number of bugs)

This metric quantifies how skilled the customer success team is at making tech hiccups sound like minor inconveniences—or even hidden features! It’s not a bug; it’s a feature, remember? Teams with low CET either have their product completely dialed in, or they’ve mastered the art of apologizing without actually saying “sorry.”

CCR: Churn-ception Rate

Formula:  
CCR = (Number of customers leaving due to new retention strategies) / (Number of customers retained)

The CCR measures how many users flee the platform because they really dislike the new retention schemes (annoying pop-ups, constant emails, etc.). A high CCR means the team is almost too efficient at scaring off the very users they want to retain. Ideal for retention specialists who love reverse psychology.

MDI: Meeting Density Index

Formula:  
MDI = (Total number of meetings) / (Total number of decisions made)

Use the MDI to track how many meetings are held without anything actually being decided. A higher MDI suggests a team that excels at scheduling meetings for the sake of meetings, achieving maximum collaboration with minimum impact. Perfect for those who love to say “Let’s take this offline.”

What metrics do you monitor, and how do they make your work life easier?

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